Depression. Why your past… can affect your future happiness.

Why are broken hearts the longest to heal?

Why… can’t I move on from the pain that someone caused me, years ago?

WHY?!

I would have to say that, depression is a sickness that’s not easily cured. Honestly, I have no idea when my depression started, but I do remember how bad I felt. No, it wasn’t a guy that caused it… but it arose from my relationship with my father. I’ve always wanted that “daddy’s little girl” relationship with my dad, but I never got it. For years, I couldn’t figure out why I felt like he just didn’t like me? Was it because, I didn’t turn out the way he wanted me to turn out in life? Maybe, its due to my poor grades in school OR my lack of completing any hobbies/goals I set for myself? I have no idea and I probably never will. BUT, it truly effected the way I saw myself and viewed men.

For many years, I have despised men! I feel as though, each man that I meet.. views me as an object and I should live up to that. So, I started objectifying myself and later, feeling lonely and lost. Obviously, you know that your feelings aren’t normal, but you can’t label it. To this day, I’m uncomfortable being around men and passing them on the street, becomes a task in itself. Whether its from hateful words that I’ve heard my dad say to me or my horrible taste in men.. it seems to be a constant cycle. Like everyone else, I just want to be loved, which is something that I haven’t felt in years.

As time goes by, my heart still feels heavy on a daily basis and I always catch myself crying at random moments. For example, I was driving the other day when .. I just started crying. “Crying because????” You may ask. I have no damn idea and I can’t seem to figure out what sparked it. Over time, I believe that we learn to block out the hurtful times and soon it becomes a distant figment of your mind. I guess, that is exactly what I’ve mastered over the years. My world has become consumed in pain and sadness. Some days, I even question the big man, “Why am I here and what purpose am I meant to serve?” Yes, I pray .. on a daily basis though?NO. Somewhere along the line, I stopped believing in prayer and started to believe that I deserved to be in pain.

In pain, solely because I didn’t and sometimes don’t think that highly of myself.  When you don’t trust your judgement or are constantly beaten down by words… its easy to throw in the towel. Basically, I went on a rant, but my feelings started pouring through my fingers. All I want are better days and I’m ready to be fully satisfied and HAPPY. That’s everyone’s ultimate life goal isn’t it? Happiness.

I’m Ready to feel alive, loved, and important! I have suffered internally for far too long.

How are you feeling today?

XO Jess

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3 thoughts on “Depression. Why your past… can affect your future happiness.

  1. I have felt this was for most of my life also. Its not so much as why it started but why cant I get over it? When you are betrayed by who should be your first love, your protector then you do tend to feel not good enough. I pray you find a breakthrough. I pray I find one too.

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